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The Fathlete Returneth! For Real, Son!

So remember back in December when I was gonna get married in June, and work out to be tiny in a wedding dress, and be awesome and skinny and healthy?

Well, a few of those things happened, like the married, and the healthy...but not June or skinny. Or tiny. Fierce and hot, yes. But not the other stuff. My beloved and I got married in February because Scott needed surgery on his ear, and I had better insurance. So we moved it up several months and several pounds before I had planned to be photographed in a wedding dress.

I did look awesome, but while sitting in a hotel room after his surgery to remove a tumor that turned out to be benign (Thank God), I signed up for Weight Watchers, hopng it would give me that fast loss like I had in the early 2000s on the program.

Not even.

Metabolism and age are a bisnatch. Huge hairy bisnatches. And after three months I have lost like 8 pounds. Blech. I am, however, down a dress size, and showing my tummy again.

So this is where you come in. I am reviving this blog so tht I get encouragement and, when approporiate, butt-kicking, Invite me to your fitness classes. Go running with me. See me at Happy Hour and look askance at my martini. I jus might put it down. Maybe.

Miss Fathlete and the Christmas Cookies

This is pretty good considering what I've been eating. The tummy's getting defined, and the arms...Ok, I'll admit it. The arms are very cool.

The title is my homage to "Monk," which I'll miss.

You know what I will not miss? This last week in fitness and eating. The holidays are always a maze of mini quiche and champagne, which means I need to step up the workouts like a workout stepping-up banshee. Unfortunately, it was also the week where I aggravated an old injury from an excessive mix of running and P90x-ing (the plyo kept tweaking my heel, which I ignored because...cookies.) No running or P90x until at least Wednesday, says my doctor, Dr. Fox. And this is a man who is at all the races I run, so if I show up at one, he'll know. He's sneaky.

Also, my poor Victor the Trainer and I have been like two fitness ships passing in the night over the last two weeks. And now, he's recovering from a car accident (sob) and is out of commission. Get well, sweetie! I will not let you down! Hopefully!

I could just feel the extra cheese forming on my butt, so I gave in and joined Planet Fitness for $20 a month, their Black Card option, which lets me bring a guest and also allows me to go to all the other Planet Fitnesses for free. They don't have classes, but they do have all the weights and the cardio machines, so for the next two weeks, before I can run or P90x or Shred again, I am gonna do the elliptical for at least 45 minutes six days a week, plus weights and abs (the P90X Abs Ripper X).

I have a wedding in 6 months, a 39th birthday in 4, and a lot of cookies to brave. Wish me luck!

Fathlete and P90X Cardio X: Sweaty and Slightly Annoying!

So here's my second day of P90x workouts, following the Lean program. It's technically the third day, but I took my rest day yesterday (yeah, I know. But I worked 4:30 a.m.-5 p.m., so just eating soup was a workout at the end of that).

So this morning, to pay for punking out last night, I worked out twice today - did 2 and a half miles of a speedwork run this morning (owww, but awesome. owwsome?) and then did some work and caught up with Tony Horton and the P90X kids this afternoon. It was a good sweaty workout, but I have some complaints:

- It's not all cardio. I was hoping for a solid, kick-butt 43 minutes or whatever it was of pure moving, and instead got almost 20 minutes of power yoga, and then a mixture of kenpo, core and plyometrics. I can see why people hate on the Yoga X, if the whole 91 minute DVD is just constant downward dog/runners pose, like this routine was. It felt great after my run, though, and the kenpo was super fun.

- Tony Horton will not shut up. Seriously. If I'm gonna do 90 whole days with this joker, I'm gonna have to learn the routines so I can turn him down. He's all jokey and smug and smirky with the stupid nicknames. And today, after introducing two of the Cardio Kids as an engaged couple, he seemed to be hitting on the woman. Not only that, but he added some...emphatic sound effects to some of her punches that were at worst distracting and at worst faux-orgasmic.

Just...don't.

Again, I felt like I got a great workout, if not the one advertised in a DVD called "Cardio X." I just wish it was more movement. And less "O" noises.

The Fathlete Starts P90X for real, this time!

So, remember, last week, when I talked about being all psyched and stuff about doing P90x, and how this was gonna rawwwwk, and all that? And how I did Core Synergistics, and how it was tough but not brutal, but I was looking forward to having my butt kicked by Cardio X and Kenpo X, and all the other X's?

Well, still looking forward to them. Because I kind of never did them.

What had happened was that I did Core that one time, and then took a mental health day or something, and then ran a 4 mile race on Thanksgiving morning. Four miles! It was awesome! And cleared me for some eating! And that's what I did...eat. And then at 2 a.m., my fiancee and I got up and ate again. Pie. With our hands. Like foul beasts, as my soon-to-be cousin in law Kenny says.

This would, you think, inspire me to get up and work out. Didn't happen. My friend Nathaniel came down from Baltimore and we went eating. Twice. I got up Saturday morning, intending to run, and never did. Sunday...you see the pattern, no?

But this morning, I had no excuses. It was a Monday, a great day for starting something, or starting over. Nathaniel was in South Beach, visiting some other friends, so he wasn't sleeping on the couch, which meant there was nothing between me and P90X but my laziness.

So I started all over again this morning, with Core Synergistics, and it was as tough as I remember. Tony was still tough but...can I say this? Annoying. He laughs at his own jokes. He gives people nicknames. He uses the word 'taunt' when he means "taut." He sounds and looks like what late comedian Richard Jeni would have looked like if he'd created a character who was an annoying, full-of-himself fitness trainer.

But I'm willing to stick this out, because he's the real deal. Also, because there is an option where you can tune Tony out, and I might need this.

Tomorrow: Cardio X! For real this time!

P90X Day 1: Core Synergistics - My trainer's harder!

OK...so I know that I've only done one and a half days of P90x, and that the Kenpo X and Plyometrics DVDs, which I've yet to meet, are gonna kick my booty all up and down the street, yelling at me and slapping me about the head and feet with a Swiffer.

But I gotta tell you - as much as I sweat during "Core Synergistics," my first full-length workout in the series, that I've sweat even worse in sessions with Victor my trainer. Maybe it's because guru Tony Horton has only the space of a fitness set to work with, and Victor has an entire grass field. But where Tony has you jumping through imaginary tires, Victor has you carrying a tire over your head doing laps around that field. Because he's an evil genius.

Here's the other thing about Tony - some of his chatter is confusing. I mean, you can figure it out if you watch the thing closely, but it's still odd. To wit: Sometimes he says "Grab a weight," which I took to mean to grab one heavier weight. But when I looked up, he and the Fitness Buddies were holding a weight in each hand. It's ok if you catch yourself, but "a" weight is one, singular.

On the plus side, like I said, I worked up a great sweat and am gonna feel it tomorrow. But Victor packs more of a punch. Above is a photo of him making us do jumping jacks. In a stairwell. After doing laps in a parking garage holding a medicine ball. I can't afford to see him every day, so this will have to do.

Tomorrow - Cardio X. I am frightened. Hold me.

The Fathlete's P90X Adventure, Day .5

Disclaimer: I am not one of those people who is getting paid to blog about Beachbody's P90x. I am a runner and have a trainer and am not gonna promise to do it every single day. I also might just wimp out and fake an injury.

But for what it's worth, I have now begun P90X, the big fad in the fitness situation. One of my co-workers, whose body is completely different than mine, has been doing it with her husband and adores it. I am encouraged, but I will reserve judgement because I don't know the particulars of her fitness before this. I don't know if her knees are good, or if she has lower back issues (I have some, which are not major, and I'm slightly worried about doing this program because there's a disclaimer that seems more disclaimey than the usual disclaimers.)

Tomorrow, I start the main program, but today, I did the AB Ripper X DVD, after a three mile run (speed work. Delicious.) It was challenging. I've been to equally hard classes at my former gym, but it's the hardest ab DVD I've ever seen.

You know what's interesting? Most of the DVDs I have ever done have been targeted at women, and all of the fitness extras in the back are women. But this one is lead by a guy, with only one women in the cast, and in a weird way this makes me think that no punches will be pulled. I mean, Jillian Michaels doesn't pull any punches either, but her workouts in the Shred are 20 minutes. The abs DVD alone on P90X is 15 minutes. And I feel it right now as I drink this big glass of wine.

Don't judge me.

So tomorrow, like I said, I'll be starting the program in earnest. I plan to do the Lean program, which has more cardio, and keep running on days that I don't have cardio for P90x. We'll see how long this lasts. Tomorrow sometime I'll get the Official Fathlete Photographer to snap a picture of me. Something tells me I'ma look like Fitness Hagatha.

But what are you gonna do?